Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advice Column
Relieving holiday irritations
With the holidays fast approaching I am finding myself, as one of the
few Klingons visible at conventions in the area, continuously hounded
by humans wanting to know how to say 'Merry Christmas' in the Klingon
language. Klingons do not celebrate Christmas and, even if we did, it
wouldn't be merry. However, these explanations do not satisfy them. And
if I successfully avoid one, another takes his place. What can I do?
--- Under Siege
Of course the only proper course of action is to disembowel the
inquisitive fool on the spot and, while his entrails spill onto the
pavement, ask any spectators if there are any other questions. Sadly,
the Terran constabulary tends to frown on this sort of thing and may
ask you to leave the convention before you've had the chance to see
Terry Farrell. I offer an alternative.
First, you want to smile in a friendly sort of way. Then, being careful
to speak clearly and slowly so the Terran can understand, say "To wish
a Klingon a Merry Christmas say DaH HIHoH." Help him to get the proper
pronunciation and send him on his way with a hearty Qapla'! When he
does finally muster his courage and proudly state to a warrior, DaH
HIHoH, he may receive what he's asked for in the form of a knife in the
belly, proving the truism that one is born each minute. If you are very
lucky he will have gone to his friends to perpetuate his newfound
'wisdom' before actually speaking to another Klingon. If so, your
amusement will be increased tenfold as his comrades meet similar fates.
The gift that keeps on giving.