DISCLAIMER!

We know that everything even REMOTELY concerning STAR TREK is the sole, exclusive and stingily held property of Paramount. No infringement of those rights is even thought about.

Any resemblances or references to any so-called real persons, living or dead, in this publication are strictly the paranoid product of their own fevered imaginations.

WARNING!: EVERYTHING IN HERE MAY BE UNTRUE-ALL OPINIONS ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

TABLE OF CONTENTS
• Introduction
• Cacophony from KuurIIs
• Meet the Editor
• Torpedoes from KruS
• The Imperial Xena Legion
• The Inception of the Blood Oath War
• KAIs and KHESTs
• Illustration by K'Rell
• DEAR KORDITE: Advice for the Wartorn
• DINING with DOHKMARA
• Shameless Advertisements
• Contributors

WELL! Here we are, finally, and you now hold in your hot little clawed hands the PREMIER ISSUE of the Demonic Press. (Sorry about the type change, but it just sounds soooo wonderful that it has to be written it JUST the right way!) We, the staff of the Demonic Press, would like to sincerely welcome you to our version of hell, if you dare. Don't worry, just fasten that seatbelt securely, and hold on......

Well, here it is, the long dreaded newsletter of the Demon Fleet. In it, you'll find all manner of things which will change from month to month according to our whims. Sometimes, you may find reprints. Sometimes they will even be in the same issue. Why bother with filler when you can just say the same thing over and over again?

The Demonic Press is a newsletter that was spawned to be unlike anything else ever seen in fandom. It is meant to be wild, insane, and most especially, ZANY. Do not be fooled, this newsletter is not the product of hard work, dedication, and discipline, it is the complete and unashamed product of insanity. An insanity that we hope is contagious.

Twisty thought it would be a really good political move for me to get this newsletter out as fast as possible, what with me just being appointed commander of the Demon Fleet and all. No sooner am I appointed, than WHAM! Out pops the newsletter. Of course, by saying all of this in this column, I've ruined any political value putting the newsletter out like this might have had. So what. Khest the politics. (Hey, shouldn't that be in the Kais and Khests column?) Read it, enjoy it, come back for more. I know you will, you won't be able to help yourselves....heh, heh, heh!

The Demon Fleet newsletter will ALWAYS come out on time. I make this my solemn promise. It will be easy for us, seeing as how we're the Demon Fleet and all. And it will be especially easy since we HAVE no publication schedule.

And one final thing. Everyone should get this newsletter. How else can you be sure that you're not in it?

KuurIIs

I have to go now, it's time for my medication.

First things first. Each issue, if we feel like it, we will have a profile of one of the members of the staff. Being the premier issue and all, we'd like to introduce....Our Esteemed Editor.

Torpedoes from KruS

by K'RuS zantai-LimbaH

Sponsored by:

The K'RuS Network for Imperial Traditionalism With Indoctrination Training (N.I.T.W.I.T.)

The topic for this column, well there are several, is uniforms. Friends, like you I wander through the Empire, going here and there to spread the benefits of NITWIT. And I notice things, since I keep my eyes open continuously, watching everything, and EVERYONE. And what I've noticed in this great Empire of ours is that our uniforms are getting, well, shall we say...NON-uniform. I mean, I've been thinking about this, and folks, shouldn't all of our uniforms look the same? That IS what "uniform" means, isn't it? Take, for example, people wearing blue. Or red. Or green. Or orange. Or zebra stripes. Colors that we Klingons can't even see! Let me guess, this is some kind of new battle camouflage, right? Are these people planning on going into battle in Candyland? Are we going to be fighting clowns? Armies of Skittles? And what are Skittles anyway? Skittles. Those bite-sized candies with the great fruity taste. Try them! You're guaranteed to love 'em, 'cause I do! And if you mention my name to the store clerk when you buy a pack, you'll get a free pair of my K'RuS zantai-LimbaH No Neutral Zone Honor Sashes in a whole line of decorator colors! And speaking of fruity, what's this with these alternate universe Klingons that keep coming across our borders with their flowers and feather boas? I tell you folks, it's the uniform thing again. Maybe we should all get our uniforms from ONE place, or from one pattern, with the colors SPECIFIED, so we don't get any more of this mix and match mumbo jumbo. And speaking of mumbo jumbo, have you been keeping yourself true to the traditions of the Empire, keeping yourself in touch with me at all times? If not, maybe you should get yourself a subscription to the Demonic Press, featuring me, K'RuS LimbaH, telling you what to think about, and how to think about it. AND, if you order now, you will receive FREE with your paid subscription, your exclusive copy of my book, The Way I'll Make It Be. Order today!

Let's go to our letters. Our first letter is from KrelDoSH, direct from the Homeworld. She writes, "Kelli-Ridgids, K'RuS! Loved your book, The Way I'll Make It Be. I've bought 687 copies of it! Without you, K'RuS, we'd still be listening to that clone! I really love the way you tore into those atmospheric wackos who are always going on about pieces of Praxis falling from the sky and hitting the Homeworld. One fell right on top of my house, and I'm fine! I can now hear subspace radio on the duranium plate in my head. I can listen to you anytime I want! Thanks, K'RuS, you're the greatest! Sincerely, Empress KrelDoSH." Well, folks, she's a little out there, but she loves our show!

Our next letter is from someone who's NOT so fond of us. K'Dang, from somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, writes us a rather lengthy letter, which I won't bother to quote in its entirety here, and frankly people, you don't want to hear it. But anyway, he writes that he feels underappreciated by the Empire. That manning a one-man border outpost is a job that is crucial to security in the Empire, but it's a thankless one, and he should be promoted to Epetai-Zana. He says that if he doesn't get the promotion, he's going to turn around and be a border outpost for the people on the OTHER side of the border, where he's sure to be promoted to a high rank amongst them. Well, K'Dang, seeing as you've already gone native, you're sure to be appreciated . And by the way folks, I looked into this, as I ALWAYS do, and K'Dang's outpost borders a section of space held by a race of arboreal slugs known as the Squelches, a truly disgusting race of beings. The highest rank they have for any of their people is Ground-Sucker. Have fun, Ground-Sucker K'Dang, and don't let the Vorchas hit you in the aft on the way out!

Well that's all we have time for this month, people. Turn to me again next month for another enlightening column of Torpedoes from K'RuS.

KAG is a club of revolutionary ideas, introducing entirely new concepts and divisions to the ranks. One of the newest innovations in this field is the IXL... the Imperial Xena Legion. Pioneered by Admiral Klag and spearheaded by the first IXL ship, the ILV Midnight Warrior, the IXL seeks to expand the Klingon Empire using troops of Xena Legionaires.

These new recruits are exhibiting great enthusiasm by way of their costuming, activities, and camaraderie.

There is a JPG file of the centerfold available.
BACKGND1.JPG is 903 x 440, 59k in size.

A TALE OF THE INCEPTION OF THE BLOOD OATH WAR

Like most major conflicts and great happenings, this one began with a portent in the sky. As our valiant warriors sped towards the great conference in the Memphis System, the comet went before them to herald their arrival. The trip was swift, as they ignored the Federation's posted speed limits, exceeding the mandated warp factor whenever it took their fancy.

In their zeal to begin the battle, they completely missed the navigational buoys and went careening off into the unknown. The course was soon replotted, however, and after a brief stop at a Federation Star Base, whose commander, for reasons unknown to these warriors, insisted on being called "Grandma," they were once again on their way. After their brief rest at the Star Base Grandma, they were set upon by the hazards of space, and were trapped for awhile in the deep gravity well of the Hertz Rent-a-Pulsar. Upon escaping from the gravity well, they thought it would be in their best interests to ignore the navigational systems and follow the comet. While this was not a rational decision, it was late and they were all tired. And besides, it worked.

Meanwhile, in the back of the shuttle, KuurIIs and K'Jett fought for the supremacy of who got to be the captain for the trip. K'wISt, who was secure in his captaincy, took the navigator, who had just become unemployed. Presently, KuurIIs and K'Jett ceased their fighting and began moaning about the lack of navigation with the constantly repeated phrase, "Are we there yet?" After several hours of this, K'wISt became annoyed and put down the navigator and demanded that KuurIIs and K'Jett take over the con.

The Klingons passed many amazing sights in their travels, among them a base apparently dedicated to the maintenance of the human parasites known as "fleas." It was called, appropriately enough, Flealand. The Klingons passed shaking their heads, wondering yet again at the stupidity of a race that would house its parasites.

Upon passing through the Bucksnort Nebula, which was, coincidentally, in front of the Horsehead Nebula, which was, disgustingly enough, in the bed of the Godfather Nebula, they saw the stars of the Memphis System and knew their journey was about to end, and that their adventure was about to begin.

Dawn of the next day saw these warriors strapping on their battle armor and fighting over kaffei. They set out for the conference with teeth sharpened and breasts bared. The Klingon Governess of the Memphis Sector, the Honorable Lady Dokhmara, was thoroughly debriefed for her intelligence reports and reviews of local restaurants. She graciously pointed out the President of the United Federation of Planets, and quickly got the hell out of the way, mumbling something about weddings, and playing pianos.

The Klingons immediately pressed their attack. The President, with a shriek, proclaimed himself to be a member of the "Q", which these warriors could almost believe, as he had quickly transformed himself into a quivering gelatinous mass. After being presented with the Mandate to Declare War, the president oozed away from the Klingons, and was sopped up with a sponge by KwISt, who had some things to tell him. As the other warriors walked away giggling, KwISt, holding the dripping sponge wondered aloud if the President might not have been replaced by a Founder.

All right! All right! That's Enough! MORE than enough! I hate these things! Oh sure the first time you see one it's funny, ha-ha look, they've made their trip into an amusing Klingon anecdote. But then they do it again and again and again! You'd think someone would realize after a while that these things are really only funny to the people who experienced them. That they get old real fast--and then--some people go so far as to try to write these things seriously, as if the anecdote isn't even needed. Look, Klingon fiction is fun. And so is role-playing the part. But trying to write down the role-play, after the fact, to try to entertain people with it just doesn't work. As a footnote, sure... as a caption, great! As a novel? Get a grip.

Look, here's how it was, we went, we gave the Feddie the Mandate, we laughed at him, and we left. Period. There is no more. But if you want a really good idea of how the trip went, check out the picture.

Editor's Note: No problem man--That's what Bart says!

Warning! Filler space ahead--enter at your own risk!

KAI to Tom Jeffers, of the IKV Tobaak, for his exceptional service in the IKV BortaS Blood Feud, the first Cincinnati victory in the Blood Oath War.

KAI to whatever writer is was at Paramount that included Line names and the Black Fleet in the Star Trek Klingon CD Rom Game. Thanks for acknowledging something that we in fandom actually do, and KHEST to all those canonheads who didn't like it. Get a clue.

KAI to Paramount's 30 years of producing the vision of Star Trek, and unfortunately, KHESTS also go to Paramount in their greed for latinum for the multi-million lawsuit against the parody/drama Star Twek.

KHESTS go to those people who have decided that not only does Klingon food have to look disgusting, it has to taste disgusting too.

KAI to Kutaj (Mary Cordero), for pulling the Western Fleet together and making it such a success.

KAI to Robert A. Heinlein. Nuff said.

KAI to Klingon women, and if you don't know what for, you're not looking in the right place!

KHESTS to certain individuals... you know who you are... who have done or said certain things that other individuals... you know who you are too... really despise. They hope you rot in hell.*

* This was a generalized KHEST, you get the idea.

KAI to chocolate. Always and forever. Especially at certain times of the month.

Illustration by K'Rell

Editor's Note: I'm hungry, can I have a snack?

Advice for the Wartorn

Dear Kordite,

I am a 19-year-old college student majoring in communications. "Jane" and I have been in the same sorority for two years, and we were best friends from the time we met for freshman orientation. Last week I found Jane in bed with my fiancé "John." I have been deeply hurt and don't know what to do. I can't break my engagement with John or he'll take his credit card back. And I just couldn't stand to look at Jane at the mixer last night. Do you think we should all go to some sort of counseling? Oh Kordite, I'm so confused.

Deeply Wounded

Dear Wounded,

The solution to your problem is so simple and elegant that when I tell you, I am sure you will chuckle indulgently to yourself and say, "Why didn't I think of that?"

The first thing you will need is a spear. If you don't have a conventional spear, any long, sharpened wood will do. Now, go to Jane's house. Ride your conveyance (a Harley-Davidson would be a fine choice) around the house at least six times, while letting forth as mighty a war cry as you can muster from your tiny little woman-lungs. When she emerges, leap from your vehicle and drive the spear through her chest. When doing this, make sure the point enters her chest in the center, just below the sternum, so you can avoid the bone. Make an upward thrusting motion just upon entry, which will penetrate her heart, causing brain death within four to six minutes. Leaving her writhing body impaled on her front lawn as a warning to others might be a nice touch.

When dealing with John, use the same weapon, but try to make a quiet and stealthy approach. Wait until the fourteenth of the month to make your attack. After he is dead, tie some stones to his body and throw it into the river. His credit card bill should be arriving right about now, and he will have until the end of the month before it becomes due. Since you are a registered user, and not a joint card holder, the credit card company has no legal right to bill you for charges made to his card. With his death undiscovered, his card will remain active until 10 days after the due date on the bill, which gives you almost an entire month to make cash advances on his account. Be sure to charge a one-way ticket to Cancun during this time, so everyone will just think he ran off like the stinking, lily-livered, pusillanimous two-timer that he was.

Lt. Cmdr. Kordite vestai-Tasighor (AKA Kevin Geiselman)

XO Dark Justice

Do YOU have any questions for Kordite? Send them to [email protected], or snail them to Kevin Geiselman, 301 Overdale Rd., Pittsburgh, PA 15221.

UFOs (Unidentified Fried Objects)

A great way to use up that leftover bit of targ!

• Wonton wrappers
• Cooked sausage, seasoned ground beef, chicken, or cream cheese
• Oil for frying

Place a spoonful of filling in the center of wonton wrapper. Gather the corners to form a bag. Drop in boiling oil and remove when slightly brown. Drain on paper towels and serve.

Pakled Bran Muffins

"We eat things - We eat things that make us go!"

• 1 1/4c. Plain flour
• 3 T. Oil
• c. Oat bran
• 1 c. Buttermilk
• 1/4 c. Sugar
• 1 t. Poppy Seeds
• 1 t. Baking Powder
• t. Baking Soda
• 1 Beaten Egg or 1 T. Soy Flour plus 1 T. Water

Sift together all dry ingredients. Add egg, oil, buttermilk, and stir. (Batter will be lumpy.) Fold in poppy seeds. Put in muffin tins and bake at 400 degrees until brown on top. Makes 12 large muffins or a bunch of small ones.

Dining with Dokhmara is sponsored by: The Klingon Low-Salt Group, Qagh-To-Go, the Neutral Zone Bar and Grill, the Budget Katerer, and the crew of the veSqejbe' PMS, Lady D., commanderette and head chef. The Lady D. is an enthusiastic cook, specializing in recycled ingredients, and is wanted for questioning in accidental poisoning cases in several surrounding states. Ask about her no-money-back guarantee!

1. Targ are always welcome at the table; Starfleet officers must eat with the children.
2. Don't use your sleeve as a napkin; use your neighbor's sleeve instead.
3. Loud and boisterous behavior is expected when two or more are gathered to dine.
4. No mating rituals shall be initiated at the table without mutual consent.
5. Each guest is expected to bring his or her own dagger.
6. All guests are to participate in the obligatory after-dinner fight.
7. If your gagh crawls off your plate, it is fair game for whoever spots it first.
8. The smoking of really vile cigars is encouraged to provide that special "atmosphere" to fine dining.
9. If your medal falls into the punch bowl, remove it (the medal, not the bowl).
10. When dining out, ask the manager what his restaurant's latest health code rating was. If it was below 70, then reserve the place for your next banquet.

This was brought to you as a public service of the veSqejbe' PMS, the official arbiter of all that is socially correct in the Klingon Empire. Lady D and the crew are presently on the veranda deck of the Bad Ship PMS, trying out new Romulan Ale recipes and being politically incorrect.

Broken Land Creations

Uniforms! Headpieces! Masks! Weapons! Klin Zha Boards! If we don't make it, we'll tell you who does! For info write to BLC, 1332 Scott Blvd., Covington, KY 41011 or call (606) 491-2930.

Hope Con 96 - September 6, 7, & 8, 1996

The first annual International Klingon Assault Group Convention and Summit will be held in Canton, Ohio, and is sponsored by the IKV Night Terror. Events include Klinzha Tournaments, Klingon Curse Warfare, Rite of Ascension, Roving Klingon Opera, Costumed Ambassador's Ball, Alien Auction, Panels, Charity Auction, Star Trek Art Display, Star Trek Paraphernalia, AND.....the Guest Star is (pant, drool) TONY TODD (Kurn)!!

Ticket Prices - Full Weekend: $40, 1-Day Pass: $30. Children 12 & under - Full Weekend: $20, 1-Day Pass: $15 (only one child per adult please). The main hotel for Hope Con 96 is the Canton Hilton. Room rates are $65 per night plus tax. For reservations call: (216) 454-5000. The overflow hotel for Hope Con 96 will be the Sheraton Inn- Belden Village. Room rates are $65 per night plus tax. For reservations call: (216) 454-6494.

For more information, write to: HopeCon 96, c/o Tonya Walters, 523 Marietta Ave. SE, Canton, OH 44707.

Paraphernalia from Beyond Planet X

All manner of lovely, nifty stuff that you just can't live without! For a catalog, send a SASE to: P.O. Box 236073, Columbus, OH 43223 or call (614) 272-8984.

Subscriptions to the Demonic Press are $8.00 for four(4) issues.

Send your address with check or money order to:

JOEL NYE
628 Buckeye St
Hamilton! OH 45011-3449

Want to participate in all of this insanity?

Send submissions to:
J&J Borkowski
1332 Scott Blvd
Covington KY 41011
or [email protected]

The Fallout Twins are looking for a few good men...
AND SO CAN YOU!

All you gotta do to apply is send a picture of yourself in your uniform and a letter saying just why you'd like to be a Twin, to:

K'Jett vestai-Qorvazh
1332 Scott Blvd.
Covington, KY 41011

K'Gena sutai-Qorvazh
10118 Chester Rd
Cincinnati, OH 45215

Those without whom
you'd be looking
at blank paper:

ARTICLES
KwISt
KuurIIs
K'Jett
Frigidaire Kerla
K'RuS
K'Rell
Lady Dokhmara
Kordite
Tori the Terrible

ARTWORK
KuurIIs
KwISt
K'Rell

PHOTOS
KwISt
K'Jett
Frigidaire Kerla

COSTUMING
(for Xenas)
Frigidaire Kerla

KEYBOARD SLAVERY
K'Jett
KwISt